I heard the other day that a friend of mine lost a friend over a blog post. Her post wasn’t about joining an occult and sacrificing kittens or some such horrendousness, it was about how she has developed and changed in a positive way over the last year. Really. If me becoming a BETTER PERSON offends you than why are we even friends to begin with??? I think most of my friends these days are super honest and if I ever write something you find weird (weirder than normal) please e-mail or call me. I’m open to advice and suggestions, because, well, I’m very painfully aware that I’m not always right and I can be a bit fickle. So that being said what was I talking about? Oh YEAH-
Tummy tucks! Up until recently I was pro-tummy tuckage. Before you childless people judge me, or, for that matter, anyone who has had a child, know that I *no longer* want one. I stretched my stomach out flat and discovered my plethora of stretch marks would still exist so what is the use? Yeah, my stretch marks are out of this world. I looked like a bear attacked me in my 5th month of pregnancy with my first child and the scars have stayed. To make matters worse, I have the worst stretch marks of anyone I know. I don’t know why that makes it worse, I suppose because I can’t compare myself to them and think quietly (I’m thinking so it doesn’t matter at what volume I am thinking) “Well, at least I don’t look like HER”. and that is totally not a nice thing to do, I’m not condoning that type of behavior at all but there are the little seconds of time where you compare yourself to every girl in the room before you realize you are even doing it. I feel I’m usually the fat girl in the room. The fat girl with the stretch marks from boobs to mid-thigh.
Self-deprecating aside, I seriously wanted to get a tummy tuck because 2 c-sections later it looks like I’m sporting a flesh fanny pack. (I suppose this falls in the self-deprecating category actually.) Even in my pre-pregnancy skinny jeans now I feel conspicuous. I want to clarify that I’m not obese, but still heavier than I’d like. I feel the need to clarify because I’m getting a rather disgusting image just reading my own words so my pride pricking wanted me to inform you I wear sizes in the single digits. OK OK that was pride too, that would leave you thinking that I must be a size 4 or 6 because that is in the middle of the single digits of size, but I’m a size 8. A hard-won, difficult size 8 that took me a year of eating better and exercising to get in to! Perhaps that’s why I was more interested in the tummy tuck- I’ve been working out and I can do full sit ups which is something that I couldn’t do even pre-baby so I’m in better shape than I’ve been in almost my whole life- and I STILL look bad. WELL, I was working out up until recently. I haven’t been as good lately about regularly working out which is probably why I’m obsessing right now about the way I look.
Plastic surgery is pretty common now. Unless you are in the Christian (or perhaps most other religions) understandably because it’s all about the heart. It’s not that Christians don’t get plastic surgery, they just don’t talk about it. I get that it’s about the heart, I love that and I embrace it. I love myself more than I have before in my life but I still struggle with body image! I think that’s what bothers me sometimes, like I should have a more profound sin area to struggle in. Christians aren’t perfect, if anyone has that misconception let me assure you. It’s about knowing our depravity and what we are capable of that allows us to move forward in grace, working through our flaws.
I think I’ll always struggle with my body image. Even if I attain some form of pre-baby body that seems so important right now even though in my head it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to look back on my life and see a struggle with self-acceptance, I want to enjoy! If you have any insight, I would appreciate it, I’m limping through this right now, it’s like I want to grow and change for the better as a person but I’m stuck in the quick sand of insecurity. I know what to say to to convince someone that I’m fine, but if I’m really honest with myself I think I’m not.