Why is church community so hard?
I stood awkwardly in my 4″wedge heels on the grass by the playground I wouldn’t have worn if I had better read the emails from my church saying we were having an outdoor picnic. Feeling a little silly, I sighed and watched the clusters of small groups eating and enjoying their dinner.
I wish I was more outgoing and friendly- but I freeze in these situations.
Ben and I had said hi to a few people as we hurried through the food lines, slapping away helpful, grubby hands as sweat dripped down our neck, trying to load up two plates. There was laughter, conversation, music and even a bouncie house. The only place that was left with chairs and tables was set a bit apart from the other bustling tables and I inwardly rolled my eyes as we sat down.
We seem always set apart.
I looked around hungrily hoping to see someone I knew that wasn’t staff- they were always busy. We had been at this church for two years now; pretty quickly we started working in the nursery, joined a Discovery group to meet others the following semester and eventually started a community group with two other couples.
We did all of that to be engaged, meet others in our large church, serve where we worshipped and find the ever elusive community.
Yet- I looked around and didn’t see anyone I knew and felt overwhelmed with frustration.
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Recently I sat across someone I admire more than most. He’s a leader so natural you don’t even realize it at first, his humility and authentic honesty pours out like water and I leave most of our conversations feeling soul refreshed and inspired.
He spoke of a recent gathering of world changers and at his home and listed off the group there and I had a brief bang of jealousy- that old lie whispered again, but never wearied, you will never be enough, you will never be wanted by dynamic people like that…
but then he said something breathtaking- he said that they spoke up, each in turn and said they were lonely and hurting for community.
I sat back in wonder. If THIS man with his friends– THEY feel lonely then I felt the hopelessness that it would never happen for us- but suddenly I felt a peace and security flood over me. My thinking has been so flawed. Clearly my expectations had to be off if NO ONE had it.
All of us we are wanting, lacking and broken hurting, desperately looking for community- even the ones that look like what we want.
True community is rare- if you find it, cling to it. I was raised in a church system that felt growth was the best indicator of health. I disagree to a certain extent- growth is good and an obvious measure of success on the outside, but what about the heart? When you spread too wide it’s hard to have depth.
…and in an ever increasing, online and fast-paced world we are feeling more and more isolated and lonely.
We crave God and look to our community to patch the hole temporally until kingdom come.
However, when we look to community to fill that God sized hole- that’s where we find loneliness, dissatisfaction and eventual anger with the church. It’s only though that constant pursuit of inner excellence through leaning into the hardships of life with God’s strength and also inviting him into the every day mundane that we have that we receive salve for the ache. Through that, then we are able to step out, still broken and leaking, but filled and able to BE, not look for, community for others.