Internet AND a computer that is connected to it. Brilliant!
I’m in heaven, things are working out slowly but surely, I feel that my head is finally starting to clear after all the stress of the last few weeks. I’m sleeping better in my huge bedroom so I’m not in a half-state of awake during the day.
Tomorrow is my ultrasound and I feel nothing but irritation that they made the appointment so freaking early in the morning. I really am not a morning person. I’m trying to cheer myself up with thoughts of an egg mcmuffin for breakfast… so sad but so true that food is a very real motivator for me…
I’ve gone over every scenario in my head, perhaps obsessively at times, and I’m just back at square one. What I mean by that is that I have no conclusions, a flurry of feelings and a strong desire to sleep the stress off.
I’ve thought about what I will feel if they say this baby still has problems. I’ve also thought how I would feel if they say the baby is fine. I’d like to think that there will be some sort of closure- of sorts- tomorrow. Like, to know either way. Maybe then I can decide on a name. It shouldn’t matter actually, I feel that it’s wrong, that I should have already decided on a name regardless, but I can’t do anything about that right now. I can’t let myself feel that.
I feel the baby kicking in me, hard. I don’t remember Sum being this active. He kicks anytime I’m still, he presses himself against me, already testing his boundaries. He wakes me up at night and is almost vocal with motion if I make him uncomfortable with my position. I love him already.
I know that people are praying for me, I feel it. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel it in my veins, like a strong drug. I feel a peace surrounding me even though I kind of want to stress out about it, illogically. I am smiling more that I have.
I’m not saying that I’m always this way, always going to be this way or that I never have tear-soaked meltdowns in the shower. It’s just for now, for today, his grace is enough.