Spring forward came and that next Monday I ran to my car in the dark, headlights illuminating the house. I felt the giddiness of when something feels different, my body awake a hour early surprised us both with a coherent morning start.
I let the silence in the car permeate, soak deep and mentally I prepared for the week. For me, that week previous was the hardest week at my job yet, murphy’s law grinning from the corner of the ring watching me fall apart. Each little piece of the puzzle wasn’t big or scary by themselves but all together they created quite the monster and my heart pounded almost out loud the entire day.
change is hard for me. even the good kind.
uncertainties and insecurities are uprooted and transplanted somewhere better and I exist in shock briefly. have I mentioned before that I struggle with anxiety sometimes?
The ice melted and the earth seemed to awaken finally, after snoozing a few too many times, the first breaths of life budding and pushing through the ground upwards.
This Saturday morning I sit outside, chilled to the bone but wide awake. I’d rather be awake than still slumbering. yet… life lately has had a way of making me feel somewhat fearfully alive…
…but it’s only when I am in that constant pursuit of living life that I have peace.
a very fine balance.
It’s the step past my comfort zone that I feel both alive and fear, living out my calling but in stepping out my weakness appears in tandem. Do you ever struggle with fears and insecurities to the point where you feel your heart beating in your chest like a hummingbird?
When I step back from it all and trace back my fears, inevitably I arrive back at some of the same conclusions, like a strange and predictable flow chart. When I have the conclusions in front of me, I speak truth kindly to myself like my parents did before when I was a child.
– fear and anxiety -> insecurity -> my best isn’t good enough -> I will fail -> I will be rejected, ashamed and alone.
Truth?
– I can and WILL fail. I can gloriously fail and still be very loved and supported and move forward in complete confidence that my path is still good. That is truth.
and there again, is my missing peace. 
Philippians 4:7
New International Version (NIV)
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.