Sometimes I think life is a series of small circles or bubbles that overlap and bleed into each other until we think we’re seeing a big picture. To clarify on my example, it’s like we are only as happy as our small circles around us are; one circle representing our family, one representing our spouse’s family, one circle for every friend. If all our circles are good, we are good. If all our circles are bad, well then, we’re a sloppy mess. I find myself sometimes focusing all my energy on my negative circles, the ones that are hurting and in need and letting myself get bogged down by their misery.
I wrote a ranting angry post the other day but by the end, I was exhausted and convicted. I was focusing on the negative and letting my frustrations rule my life instead of looking at all the amazing blessings God has given me. My mom always told me that happiness was a choice and I’m starting to understand how deep that was for the first time. Choosing not to focus all my emotional energy on a friend that left her husband, or another friend with a marriage in crisis, or anothers! Is it just me or do marriages in general, Christian ones to be specific, seem to be attacked? and it’s not just marriages. Damaged children, rebellious teenagers, experimenting twentysomethings. My heart is hurting for those around me and even as I pray for them I let my emotions overcome me. This may sound callous, but I have to emotionally withdraw myself in order to be any good to anyone. I have my own personal problems to deal with, I can’t take on the worlds!
I want to discover the deep mysteries of God, I want to pursue him to the ends of the earth to find him. I feel like life is one long saga, of our longing to be with our beloved, with brief seconds of reunions, letters exchanged, talks on the phone and longing for the day we will be unseperated. When I let myself focus only on my life of busy, bouncing ever-changing circles I become dizzy and disillusioned when I should be focusing on the far horizon, steady and unchanging. It’s like being car sick, look off into the distance and you’ll feel better, honey. Beautiful and desirable off in the distance, I let myself be distracted by my immediate surroundings which in the end only cause me pain. On my way to work the sky was beautiful! I got to the top of the hill and the sun was partially hidden by the clouds, creating a breathtaking view above the Boston Mountain back drop. My breath did actually catch and I though of the transfiguration. Eventually I had to look back at the road and the sun did break through the clouds and I had the cozy feeling of warmth on the side of my face follow me to work.