OH my goodness it’s that time of the week again. The time I wonder to myself, “Why did I try to do a regular post on my page because by the time Monday rolls around I have nothing HAPPY TO SAY!” Seriously. I guess that is why- to try to see the positive and focus on the good instead of being down and depressing on Monday like I want to be BUT it didn’t happen. Hope you aren’t crushed.
Instead of having time to write about my Happies, I’ve spent the day running errands and promoting chastity. Yeah . I’ll explain…
This morning started off normal enough. Bear woke us up because we slept through our alarm because we were up too late the night before pretending we didn’t have kids and responsibilities… oh for the good old days…. but anyways, we got off to a late start. For the last few days Bear has been crying when I take him to school. That is really hard for me because it’ s difficult for me to send him to school in the first place- I know it’s the best place for him and he receives therapy there- but there is this huge desire to keep him here with me, safe. I know parents of ‘normal’ kids struggle with this, I think it’s even more difficult for special needs kids’ parents. Bear can talk some, but he can’t tell me what he is feeling and even though he may stop crying after he’s been there for awhile, I don’t know if he’s emotionally OK.
After I dropped him off I went on a walk pushing Bug in the stroller to work off my nagging feelings of rushing over to the center and taking Bear home. Finding the balance of pushing my child and keeping him safe is a ever evolving thing for me. I doubt, second-guess and obsess. The weather was perfect for August and I enjoyed breathing in the cooler air although I was out of breath quickly because I haven’t exercised in ages…
Then it was on to errands. I first backtracked to a park to try to find the pacifier and clip because I’m cheap and I really didn’t want to have to buy a new one, but no luck. Bug was running around like a maniac and I realized he had a lot of energy to burn off but I didn’t have time to stay there to allow it because I KNOW him and if I didn’t finish all my errands before he got tired I’d have a little tasmanian devil screeching and wreaking general havoc. Unfortunately my errands took me to my least favorite place: The Mall.
It’s not just the emo teenagers and creepy older guys trying to scam on them, it’s not the tempting food court or the window displays of clothing I can’t afford. It’s the feeling of the place, the undercurrent of desperation and dissatisfaction, the “BUY BUY BUY” thumping in your head as you walk by Abercrombie & Fitch. AND, the fact my kids seem to go crazy every time we go there…
Mistake number one was to not take the stroller. I figured that it was just one store that I had to do a quick return and I’ve been trying to teach Bug to come to me when I call. In the big scheme of things, this trip wasn’t that bad actually, just TYPICAL. As soon as I got inside the doors to the mall, I realized that I left my return bag in the car. Bug was very excited when we walked inside the mall and started screeching when I turned around to run back to the car. It looked like I was kidnapping a child. After struggling back through the parking lot in the 100+ degree heat, getting my bag I made my way back to the mall- at which point Bug cheered up considerably.
Once inside, he chirped and chattered happily, running around touching everything at his height. I called him, herded him, held his hand, steered him… you get the picture. I drug him into one of the stores devoted to looking like a teenager forever that sells cheap enough clothing to lure me inside and returned a dress I spent too much on. After he laughingly ignored me and ran away several times during the transaction I had to hold him and do what I hate to do: sit him on the counter. He was grabbing the credit card machine, necklaces on display (WHY DO THEY PUT NECKLACES NEAR THE REGISTER ON SUCH FLIMSY HOLDERS?) and pens. I don’t have enough hands. The clerk just stared at me snatching pens from grubby little hands, slapping the hands away from the credit card machine and righting necklace stands.
With the child-training a fail so far, we started walking to the door. That is, *I* was and Bug was running the opposite way. He got to the coin-operated cars and was desperately scrambling up the sides of one before I could get to him. I mean, REALLY, this kid is 14-months-old. Didn’t he get the memo that he’s not suppose to act like this until he is 2-year-old?! He screamed when I tried to pick him up and several people looked over at me so I smiled, patted his head and said, “OK YOU CAN DRIVE FOR A LITTLE BIT” through gritted teeth. He shrieked with joy and I tried to remind myself that it is a choice to be angry. That no one can make me angry. I’m an adult and OK SO YOU ARE MAKING ME REALLY FREAKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW BUG! He smiled and kept glancing up at my plastered on smile. After several minutes of this fun, I peeled his fingers of the steering wheel and, shrieks and all, carried him towards the exit at the food court.
He alternated between trying to throw himself out of my arms forcefully and going so limp I almost dropped me, screeching the while time. Feeling defeated, I put him down and he scampered away again, this time to a high chair and tried to climb inside. I realized he probably was hungry (because he ALWAYS is hungry) and after trying to pry him out of it several times I realized that I NEVER WANT TO GO TO THE MALL EVER AGAIN. EVER EVER EVER.
He happily ate his Chick-fil-A fries. I felt like a failure. When did I get to be such a exhausted, wimpy, push-over of a mom?
After eating he was very cooperative and we ended the trip with him holding tightly to my finger and walking beside me perfectly as bystanders smiled at us and waved at my smiling offspring. He really is a cute child when he isn’t driving me crazy…