I wanted to write about being alive inside, what makes us feel invigorated and aware of life. I admit that so often I just cruise through- doing, doing doing and not just being.
It’s easy to get caught up in the tides of life, being pushed and pulled so many different directions we loose sight of who we are as individuals. We can get a lack of boundaries confused with serving. We can get looking good on the outside confused with the more important inside. I confess, I’m the worst at this.
I want to focus on my insides- it has taken several years of loss in my life to bring me here. It has taken being stripped of my shelters, my shields and my comfort to get here. God, I’m strong willed. Loss and grief are beautifully real. So real that I can reach out and touch his cheek. I feel for the first time in years and breathe deep in a new found freedom.
Yet, like a dog returning to vomit, I yearn for worldly comforts even though I have seen the real life. I confuse my brain with warm showers, excessive eating and drinking and dressed in a new outfit. I fill my life with the empties then wonder why I feel that way. I think I will always struggle with this, my desires, ungodly as they are. I feel for every step forward I take 3 backwards, I am wading through quick sand. I struggle to remember my identity. I want to feel…. anything.
My ramblings, my thoughts, my desires and my feelings scare me. This is why I crave the broken people with the pieces of their lives around them like an undone puzzle. I love hearing how God is with them while they are on the ground crying, wanting to stop breathing, because that is where real life is. In that moment. Fool and glutton that I am, can still be loved. I feel alive.