Latent Rebellion & Exercise

January 22, 2013 by · 9 Comments

I love to exercise. I love pushing myself beyond what I think I’m capable of. I really did want to regularly post on this topic as my journey to physical and mental health continues. I haven’t posted in a while because to be perfectly honest… I have nothing to brag about. :) I have no great new mile times, no new 5k’s to share about and I gained some weight over the holiday after sharing how it was my goal to NOT gain weight at that time.

But,  I then I realized that I do have *something* to brag about- so here it is so I can get it out of the way and move on with my post:

:) This is me doing a TRX work out at my gym. I felt awesome, strong and powerful.

The rest of the weekend I barely moved because I was so sore.

and I have over analyzed this picture, picking out every part of my body I wish was smaller and trimmer.

**********

I’m doing mediocre at best right now. I’m regularly working out, 3-4 times a week doing circuit training and running on my days off. That sounds pretty awesome and I’ve actually consistently been loosing weight for the last month.

However,  there is still this streak of … ME deep inside. A weird rebellion and stubbornness that I feel at certain times. I want to be able to eat and drink whatever I want without any consequences but then push myself too hard when I work out as some sort of… pennance… for it.

It’s weird, I’m my biggest obstacle. Always.  Below is a pic from less than a year ago, last spring. I had been regularly working out and felt good about myself. But at my core I still felt dissatisfied with my body. It wasn’t good enough. I need to lose more weight, tone up more…. and right now I look at this picture of myself 8lbs thinner and wish I looked like this. It’s kind of sick actually because I know when I reach this point I’ll still not be satisfied.

 Can I ever be satisfied? As I type, Mumford & Son’s “Hopeless Wonderer” is playing and I’m being all teenage angsty raising my hand up and nodding in agreement.  I can still laugh at myself even in my frustration. Because, I’ve got to learn to love myself for ME. Regardless of what size jeans I’m putting on. I know this externally. I know it in an educated, professional type way as I tell myself I believe it- only to have it deflected by my subconscious. 

I thought once I worked though something in a healthy way that I’d never struggle with it again. WRONG. It will just reappear in a more subtle way and infest me until I’m sick again and in need scraping away the sticky mess that I’m stuck back in.

I’m not fixed, I haven’t solved this puzzle, I’m simply sharing where I’m at today. I think that often I try to fix everything before I write a blog post about it but sometimes sharing the beauty of a journey is more powerful than all the best answers in the world. 

 

 

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  • http://www.facebook.com/khakimarquette Khaki Marquette

    I had one of those rebellion moments the other night. On the way to the movies, we stopped to get snacks at walgreens and I started crying because what I WANTED to get and the small bag of M&Ms I knew I should get were waging a war in my mind. I cried and told my husband that I just wish I could eat whatever I wanted for one day… I ended up in between the two sizes of candy (a little splurge, a little self-discipline). It’s one heck of a battle we have to fight with weight and self-esteem.

  • TheBusyNothings

    Khaki, thanks so much for sharing! Yes, it’s a constant battle and I feel like I’ve been on the losing end of it lately. Life is such an (annoying?!) balance all the time and it seems like I waver too much. I have really been at that crying place lately but then I eat what it is I want in rebellion to MYSELF- then regret it. UGHHH! I think it’s awesome that you are learning this! My goal this week is to just take 1 step towards moderation and control. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/susan.mccourt.9 Susan McCourt

    Love the blog today!

  • TheBusyNothings

    Thanks for stopping by Susan! I still want to interview you for my blog- geez- this last year flew by too quickly without me meeting several blog goals!

  • http://twitter.com/OrganizerSandy Sandy Jenney

    Awesome Heidi! I’m impressed with those work out pictures. I think my stomach would be laying on the ground and I’d be panting out of breath… ready to have Jillian yell at me. lol Great job!

  • http://twitter.com/profkrg Kenna Griffin

    I have this issue with never feeling like I’ve worked out hard enough, even when I work out really hard. I mean, sure, some days I work harder than others, but it just never seems like enough. Perhaps this is just our way of pushing ourselves? It seems like there has to be some balance between wanting to do more, feel better, eat better, and also having a sense of accomplishment. I’m not sure where it is. Let me know if you find it!

    Kenna

  • TheBusyNothings

    Thanks so much for stopping by! I’m still trying to find the balance as well. If I don’t have trouble walking down the stairs at my gym I mentally chastise myself for not working harder. :/ So, yeah, it’s a balance of sorts and pushing yourself is great- maybe it’s coming from a base of self love? I don’t know…. :)

  • Jasmine

    We are always our biggest obstacle, I think. You are banging! I think you are strong, beautiful, and inspiring. Keep going, girl… you got this!

  • http://www.facebook.com/susan.mccourt.9 Susan McCourt

    I can completely understand busy! Time never seems to be in abundance. My BIG run is a week from tomorrow. I’d love to share about my journey and the battle I fight everyday just like everyone else. Balance is a hard thing for sure!