it’s the first cool Sunday I can remember and the sounds of my boys playing outside are therapeutic. The hum of a weed eater is nearby and there is an almost lazy silence in between, punctuated occasionally with the squawk of a bird which sounds somehow out of place. I love the sound of the wind in the trees and feel my soul stirring, like a flower turning to light.
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“But I can’t see Jesus,” my 4 year old says with a frustrated sigh, eyeing me, looking for some sign that I might be making all of it up. We are both laying on the bed in his dimly lit room after prayer time.
I quote back to him from memory, belief and faith in the unseen,”‘The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.’ This is why it’s called faith- the belief in what you can’t see. You can see the the effects of Jesus in our lives, but we can’t see him.”
“But I would like to see him.” He frowns and I feel the deep longing inside myself. I feel tears in my eyes, I feel the same frustration.
“I would too Sawyer. Every day I pray that he’ll reveal himself to you in a very real and personal way. Faith isn’t easy but I hope that your identity is built around the fact that you are LOVED so much. Life isn’t easy.” I slow down for a minute, picking my words carefully. “The more you understand how truly loved you are, the more secure you will be. The more secure you are, the more you will have the freedom to be who you were meant to be without fear.”
He changed the topic to something more interesting… his desired meal plan for the next day (yes really): toast for breakfast, chicken macaroni OR macaroni and cheese for lunch and spaghetti for dinner.
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I hope some of what I say sinks past the surface. I hope that he hears me, that his heart absorbs truth. I know that each of us has a path or journey that we have to take with our faith and that I can’t be perfect or save him from pain. As parents no matter how hard we try, we will fail them somewhere. So when it all comes down to it- I have to have faith in the one who loves my soul also loves his as much– and loves him more perfectly than I ever could.
*my blog title are lyrics from the Josh Garrels song Good Friday