Lately I’ve not been able to write. Part of that is that I’ve been extra busy at work but even when I’ve had time there has been such a huge mental block — it’s frustrating to say the least. Last night my schedule unexpectedly opened up and I was able to go to a meeting at my church and sit down with a group of women, most of whom I’d never met without knowing really what we’d be discussing. I just felt like I was suppose to go.
Have you heard of the phrase divine appointments? or just good ole coincidence? Whatever you call it- I was meant to be there as it reiterated everything that I have been learning for the last 5 months.
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“I am willing to go anywhere at anytime to do anything for Jesus.” -by Luther Wishard
I prayed that one Sunday almost 10 years ago while at church and that evening our friend and youth pastor asked me to co-lead a youth group mission trip to Mexico leaving the next day. I panicked, calmed down, had the epiphany that him asking me to go just might have had something to do with the prayer I had just prayed and went. It started a radical inward journey where I acknowledged and worked through a lot of unspoken anger and pain.
You see- I’m a jumper. You tell me to jump, God, and I’ll jump before asking how high. I am great at going, doing, moving… I’m good at the calls to action. Give me war, I’ll fight it. I think of my life motto frequently when a challenge or crisis arises.
“No reserve, no retreat, no regret,” by William Borden
I got it, with God as my side whom shall I fear? That’s not to say that I don’t stress or worry occasionally, but I’m at my best when I’m actively doing something.
Buuuuut that is not what God has called me to right now. Instead of a war or even a desert, God has called me to the stillness and quiet. A time of peace and restoration, as he builds on the foundation he allowed demolished. I know this- and yet I’m fighting it and the words he speaks to me now:
- that who I am is more important than what I do. Did you know that is true? Really true? Meditate on that until in sinks past the brain, into the heart. Be still.
- that my identity is in him, and not just saying that but truly understanding that for the first time. Do you know that when you are KNOWN by the one who created you everything else falls to the side? This isn’t for the impatient and quick fixers- it takes time to sit and be quiet in his presence before you hear his voice.
- that I need to realize that my calling is in the here and now– not in the where I think I should be, or should do, or even should live. My today is where I’m suppose to be and where I’m called to be. Did you know that? Where ever God has you, it’s where you are suppose to be. Loving the day, even when your kids watched to much tv and you ate at McDonalds for the fifth time that week. Don’t feel bad when life is hard, because it IS, but dig deep into the day with purpose and thankfulness for the little things.
I can’t live in the hope of tomorrow, I need to live in the {sometimes hard} beauty of today.
This is my challenge to myself. Everyday I fail at some point, butI get back up quicker and at the end of the day I am finding myself more and more content because I am finding the thankfulness and true satisfaction with my life today.
I’m discovering the discipline of surrender, after years of fighting.
Today is enough.
