This was written after hearing the Gaither dvd for the second time this morning. I mean this in a friendly bantering sort of way, not in a rude way. I really appreciate them because without them I’d never get a break. Just the fact that Summit love them so much makes me have a soft spot in my heart for them… to a certain extent. Skip this post if you don’t like the playful mocking of rich, successful and slightly good looking people.
If you aren’t familiar with the Gaither Vocal Band, I pity you. What a sad and empty life you must be currently leading! Go to youtube and search them out. You will be oh so glad you did. After watching 100’s of hours of their tapes, mostly due to the request of my darling offspring who has such a FUN taste in music and will sit still to them verses any Barney, Dora, Wonderpets, Veggie Tales shows, I feel that I am somewhat of an expert on what it takes to get in with them. There are certain mannerisms that they look for that can be copied to help your chances to getting “in” with them. I can almost guarantee if you follow my simple guide, you could be up there at the Grand Old Opry under the fuchsia lights with Bill Gaither himself!
-First of all, you DO have to have a good voice. Sorry. I mean, obviously this cancels ME out but I feel that I can coach and live vicariously through your success. If not a good voice, a pretty powerful one that can belt on key may work. This is tricky and takes practice. I mean, you aren’t going to get to Bill without SOME effort! Once you have a good voice, know all of their songs. It just makes it easier to get an audition and then they’ll be like, “wow! you already know all the music! we like you!” and they’ll be able to create some charming story about you when they introduce you to the world.
-Get an orange spray tan and bleached out white teeth. I’m not sure why, but for some reason this is key. You must match the other singers. Tons of hair gel is also important. Tons. You must we willing to wear eyeliner, foundation and powder. All performers have to so get used to it. Also, in this department of looks, you must dress especially snazzy. Something that perhaps only Prince would have worn in the early 90’s suddenly is stylish. The purple velvet suit with large gold buttons and a turquoise cape you were thinking of donating to charity? Snag that puppy back! Also, a collection of flashy, silky, over the top button-ups will be helpful in your new wardrobe. A sparkle tux is great too. It really catches the lights nicely on stage. If you can think of something “cutsie” that will impress as well as distinguish you from the other candidates, do it. Like, ummm, a jacket with tails, a really long or really short tie, an unique shirt of your great-Grandfathers, a rainbow (but not in a homosexual way) button up.. and have an equally “cutsie” story about it to tell them when they ask you about it at auditions.
-Mannerisms. Oh, this is a toughie. You must, I repeat MUST, have a smile or very close to it on your face at all times. It doesn’t have to be genuine, just rub some Vaseline over your bleached-white chompers like Miss USA and you’ll be fine. Drugging yourself up before you audition (but not “drugging” in a non-Christian sort of way. 4 ibuprofens will do) will help you jaw to relax and not tire it out so bad. You also need to know how to time the smile. Start it slowly, preferably when big Bill is talking to you so he can see the full effect of it. NOT too big now, don’t scare him! If you are bigger than him, haunch your solders to give an “aww shucks” look to yourself and crane your neck forward a little. Cheesy smiles are OK. Cheese is OK. You must know cheese in and out and how to use it to your advantage. Other mannerisms you need to have down pat are, but not limited to: clapping to the beat, minimal dancing (G-rated of course), the ability to lean into another singer on cue, a well-timed knee slap, a willingness and comfort to side-hug and have arms around the other performers, the ability to banter somewhat wit-ily with the others, and finally a general mastery of expressions (shocked, happy, sad, faux-angry) and be able to use them at the right time.
-Your eyes are very, very important to this. This is technically under mannerisms but it was so important it needed its own section. The proper ratio of keeping them open and closed is incredibly important. Eyebrows can be used especially well here. If the song is upbeat, with some silly parts, keep your eyes open the whole time and open then wide and raise the eyebrows occasionally for a laugh. When you are singing a friendship themed song, occasionally cast a loving glace at your co-performers (good timing to throw your arm over their shoulders too). It works like honey. For a more melancholy song, keeping your eyes open and raised upwards is good. A well-timed crinkled brow (with open or closed eyes. open is more powerful however) has been known to bring down the house. Slllooowwwlly close your eyes at the proper time for a BAM-WOW effect on the audience. They won’t know what hit them.
-Think of some things to playfully rib Bill Gaither about. This always seems to be a big crowd pleaser for some reason. It’s like a mini-roast every time. The most popular topics I’ve noticed are his lack of talent, (remind him his wife wrote most of the songs) and his stuttering. Yes, it seems cruel but they go there every time. If you don’t think it’s funny, then you are the one with out a sense of humor. His aging has a lot of room to mock- you can mock his eyesight, his hair, his clothing, his weight, his forgetfulness, I mean the possibilities are endless. It doesn’t sound nice, but they ALL do it. You’ll have to join IN to get IN.
-Expressions. Not just facial! When a song sound particularly good you need to be able to humbly express it. “Bless yer hearts” is great when the crowd goes wild. “My My My” or “wow!” or “oh My” are other gold nuggets. Look for great (the more old fashioned the better) expressions and try them out. Your core crowd (60+) will appreciate it.
-Sometimes your hands can be a problem. They have this tendency to look awkward. Obviously a raised hand upwards is good, but you have to be creative sometimes. Dual handing the microphone makes you look intense, but can work. Your best bet it to hold a mic and have one arm casually down at your side. Mics are your friends, try to get a mic anytime you can because it makes the awkward hand phenomenon much less. If you are not fortunate enough to have a mic in hand and your clothing permits, a casual hand in one pocket works. A clenched fist in passion to the music can work, but make sure no one else it doing it first. (A lifting of foot and stomp works well with the clenched fist.) A hand held out from the body makes it look like you are really talking to the audiences and is a real pleaser. Experiment in front of the mirror beforehand and have a “hand-standby” position ready.
As you can see, becoming a Gaither Vocal Band Member is no easy task. It is not for the faint of heart. You must be dedicated to the cause and pursue it with your whole heart to succeed. Bless yer hearts. (see how natural that sounded?) I am available for individual consultations if you have any trouble.
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