Day 17: I’m thankful for God-breathed secrets.
Ben has known for most of our marriage… and I have known more recently.
I’ve hesitated, pushed away, ran away with fingers plugged in my ears. But I’ve still heard the whisper. The word that scares me. That makes my heart pound and feelings of fear and inadequacy bubble to the surface.
Adoption.
This is it folks. Nothing has been done- but the word is out there now. Steps to follow. God’s time frame.
In a time when there is such contraversy about whether adoption is best for a child, ethical adoption, fostering and ugly stories in the news…. here I stand, uncertain, but with arms outstretched. I don’t know what we are doing but I trust that good will come.
Day 18: I’m thankful for choice.
This weekend was hard. There is never a dull moment when these boys are awake and it’s weary at times. I don’t talk a lot about Bear’s Willam’s Syndrome, because partly he is so healthy- but part of the frustrations in raising a special needs child is knowing what they really are capable of understanding and then balancing that out with your expectations.
I get so tired saying the same corrective thing over and over to Bear, trying to be consistent and then seeing how it affects Bug’s behavior negatively at times.
So…
I could focus on the negative. On the exhaustion and the frustration that this weekend had. The full moon I HOPE played a part in everyone’s behavior. I could focus on the fact I fell, injuring my arm and face while trying to move something. On the fact the back yard is a huge mess and months of not done chores suddenly seemed evident everywhere. I messed up soup I’ve made 100 times before. My hair was a mess… and when I finally got the Christmas tree out, most of the lights weren’t working and the main plug in cord had be severed. The cat kept climbing the tree. I felt critical and angry, wanting instant perfection. I saw myself and it was ugly.
Or…
I could focus on the perfect weather. We spent so much time outdoors, playing with an amazing camera and getting some professional quality images of the boys. The wind blew hard and the boys ran. We laughed and chased the boys at the park and watched them rock throwing into a storybook stream, crystal clear, leaves glowing like jewels in the sun. I can focus on the fact my house is cleaned now and my Christmas tree is up- earlier than I’ve ever got it up by weeks! I snuggled with the boys, holding them and spoke truth like prophesy over their blond curly heads. Ben surprised me with a new coffee maker (since the one we had really only worked when it wanted to). I got to work in the toddler room at church and snuggle with a few of my favorite 3-year-olds.
You know, this weekend was mostly perfect actually. 
