Do you ever have something that you need to say that is kind of negative in an otherwise positive conversation? For example: You went over your clothing budget for the not only the month but the YEAR and you are trying to get up the nerve to tell your husband. “So, the boys did really well today at school. Timmy got an A on his math test and Billy scored a goal in soccer OH and (cough cough) Imayhavegoneoverontheclothingbudget… BUT did you hear what Betty did today at the PTA? OH MY-” and you hope that he just won’t hear you while he shoves meatloaf in his mouth. Because meatloaf is his favorite and that’s why you made it tonight. To distract. And yes, I realize all my examples are from the 1950’s- I’m an old soul, what can I say?
So, first of all you need to totally check out my first Glidden Paints Before/After challenge that is rocking my house into cool. Ben and I are arguing over what color to paint it. We had agreed on RED, just sayin’, so the fact he’s trying to change the color is bringing the drama that sells HGTV shows. BAHHHH! We are having fun though, despite our disagreements and are happy to see the after! However it ends up looking (RED).
That being said- COUGH COUGH I feel like I’m the Debbie Downer of LIFE lately- in between lots of good things happening. My life is bi-polar- not me. At least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself… HAH! You may or may not know but Ben lost his job back in April and he was fortunate to get another one fairly quickly- which was great- but our income was cut in half. We canceled cable, reduced internet speed, stopped eating out but for the random “let’s hit Sonic Happy Hour” or “Let’s split fajitas as a family and fill up on the chips and salsa” nights, stopped going out, stopped date night and basically cut our expenses as tightly as we could. We figured it out at the time that even if I worked we wouldn’t be any better off financially so I stayed at home with the boys. It SUCKS. (Not being with the boys per se- well, sometimes it does, but being *poor* sucks.) And now, I’ve just heard it’s going to suck worse. The job that was a saving grace is needing to cut him back because work is slow. I am not angry about it- this is life, and the economy isn’t the best. They were amazing to hire Ben in the first place so I can’t be frustrated that they are cutting his hours back a lot. I mean, I’m a little terrified how we are going to pay the house payment and eat but other than that…
I’d love to say that I’m trusting in God to provide and I think that I am for the most part. But it’s the part when I’m NOT trusting in him that has me worried. I got from a calm, Godly, (dareIsay) inspiring person to a sobbing, crinkley mess. I don’t know why I used the word “crinkley” there but it seems to fit. I feel crinkley on the inside. I go from trust to fear in a breath and then I’m rude to Ben, short-tempered with the kids and dang it if I don’t just want a glass of wine and a quiet back porch in the dark.
I know God will provide, he always has. I know we’ll make it through, we’ve been through worse. It’s just the getting there that I’m worried about. I don’t want to look back on this time and despise my actions. I want to see that I grew in faith, persevered and stuff. I don’t want to wish I’d acted differently.
It looks like the only way we’ll be able to pay bills now is if I get a full or part time job. I still don’t think that we’ll be better off any financially after child-care costs, new clothing (not likely), and all the eating out I’m sure I’ll do, but bills are bills and right now there isn’t enough money to cover them. I already lament the time away from Bug- he’s still such a baby even at 15-months and I want more time with him. I took him to the park the other morning, just the two of us and realized that week day adventures would probably be over soon. I don’t see how this is God’s plan, but I have to trust in him to get me through it or suddenly provide Ben with a new job. It’s a weird, but good place to be. Instead of getting angry about MY goals being blocked, I’m trying (failing a lot) to see this as God’s plan and that he will provide. He is good. If I trust in him and not my own feelings, whatever happens will bring that peace that defies logic. The kind that spreads through my body like a fast acting drug, reminding me that I’m not alone and that life can actually be quite an adventure, the soul awakening kind.