Sometimes I feel so inadequate emotionally to handle life. Things that I’ve gone through this year have seemed so horrible, but the more educated and more time that goes by, the more common I realize my disaster is. When they told me that Summit had major developmental issues and needed therapy so that hopefully one day he may catch up with others his age I was devastated. When my Doctor told me the same day that Summit needed to see a Geneticist to “figure out what was wrong” and to be able to measure Summit “on a different scale” I thought my world had come crashing down. In May when they heard a murmur and had to do all the tests on his heart and possibly do heart surgery I panicked again. Hmmmmm. What can I learn from this? How can I really trust in God during these times that test me? How can I react better to news like this than I have in the past?
To go back to another thing I said earlier, I have realized that what is so life altering to me, is not that life altering in fact. Many babies have murmurs that require testing and appointments with Cardiologists, like what Summit will finally go to next week. (God willing). Then we can move on to eye surgery. Part of the problem is that all my friends have had “perfect” babies and I didn’t know anyone that had gone through this kind of thing. The longer I’m in this sub-world, the more I realize how God has blessed me. How really minor all my problems are.
I take Summit to therapy 2 times a week and there was almost a waiting list because there are so many children in need of therapy. I found out last session that the reason that we didn’t have to wait was that a child had died. I wish someone would have told me earlier, I was pretty jubilant about the whole deal, I thought a kid had graduated. That child dying was the reason Summit got in. I’m so grateful for the fact that I’m not going to loose my child, at least due to something like cerebral palsy. Whatever “syndrome” the Doctors want to stamp on him is not life threatening. He’s OK. There are lots of kids that have similar problems and some that have much worse of problems. It’s just simply not that big of a deal. A minor inconvenience. A good thing for my pride. If I had a “perfect” child I’d be so vain! I’m kind of kidding about that, but seriously, the fact that Summit has problems has made me more attentive to him than I would have been otherwise. I work with him doing things the therapist tells me to do. I am aware of things he does, whether good or bad and can guide him to success. It’s softened me. Humbled me. Knocked me flat on my face where God is there holding me quietly whispering in my ear and ready to help me stand when I’m ready. Disasters