Living out loud is hard.
There is so much noise out here. I’ve been blogging for almost 7 years and still sometimes I feel like I’ve entered a crowded room of people, all talking so loudly, trying to be heard above the others, and I just want to hold my hands over my ears. At the end of the day so many people want to be heard but don’t have a lot to say. It’s so easy to criticize and preach from the high horse of the internet and anonymity.
I feel that way about myself too sometimes- am I just contributing noise and clutter out here or am I providing something of substance? I ask myself that every time I click to a blank page to start a new written creation. I question and search.
The pendulum swings.
Like politics and trends people run from one side of whatever it is to the other, on a a giant see-saw, chasing the illusion of peace and satisfaction. Then others find self-satisfaction in feeling they are open minded by agreeing or disagreeing with nothing but arguing with everyone who isn’t as open minded as them by having a conviction. I find myself in the latter.
I am weary. I swing away.
It’s the new year, barely in and while feeling personally, spiritually and professionally refreshed, blogging and social media-wise I feel a bit out of sorts. Again I feel my blog evolving and thats party because, if you haven’t noticed, it’s mainly been my voice for the last few months. I work full time and I’m donating my passion and energy for a local non-profit that I care about sharing their story. I don’t have time to give to my blog and since I do most things whole-heartedly, the lack of effort and time spent here is a bit discouraging. I really considered just taking a break from it.
Then I felt the pull back the other way.
I was reminded today that I ran into an old friend over Christmas, one I knew from high school. I think I maybe have seen her one other time in the last 15 years and she looked the same, beautiful- I always thought she was the prettiest girl I knew. The rush of people all around us, the to-do list unchecked, the little hands pulling on mine… I wanted to say more to her than hello. I wanted to ask her about her life. Was it as hard for you as it was for me after high school? We went to the same church, listened to the same words… did she feel as unprepared for life as I did? Were we told how hard life would be or were we just unrealistically idealistic?
We smiled in the awkward of the distracted and the insanity and I blurted out all I could say, “You look the same.” She smiled, “You do as well.” I felt the crush of the people around us, the movement and the frustration of wanting, for that second, just to stop time and hug her, instead I jokingly said, “well we have good genes,” and felt stupid immediately. Who says that?!
My shy girl from high school was back in a gust of air, insecurities released were grabbed ahold of and thoughts and fears I forgot I had twined around my ankles. I remember peer rejection at my high school and the awkwardness of being a missionary and pastor’s daughter in a large youth group where I most often felt lost and alone. I remembered trying to be cool, the desire to fit in… There is all was in a sudden flash- every painful angst filled high school girl’s life.
Then gone again, just as quick, swung back into the darkness to hide for another day.
Maybe we never overcome certain things, but it’s how quick we recover and shake off the lies that counts, you know?
She smiled at me as we moved apart. “I read your blog.”
So this one is for you Kristen. 
The silly insecure girl inside of me just needed a bit of a lift amidst life and you did that for me today, 9 days later.
Thanks!