I found out that my son had a rare genetic disorder and my world was rocked.
Yesterday I woke up with a heavy feeling in my heart and realized that was why. Today I am feeling much better, but still, that lingering sadness creeps its way in. I am usually an upbeat person- this blog is my way to vent out frustrations and emotions- but lately I’ve felt void of feeling… almost anything. I can’t figure it out, I’m not depressed, I’m just … existing.
As I dropped of Sum today at Kid’s Day Out, I had this overwhelming sense of agony for a few seconds, watching him walk around in his class room. He was just staring at the other kids, not engaging and for some reason that bothered me. I mean, they are 2-year-olds, not these mature beings that would come up and greet a new comer, but I wanted them to. Even though it’s not a certain reality for him, that sense of not belonging- of peer rejection and the pain involved that I so personally understand, I felt it all again for him and the pain was much greater than it had been for myself.
But it felt good to feel again. Even as I’m typing, my brain is clearing, my breath is slowing and my shoulders are relaxing. It is well. Even in this strange place I’m in, not knowing where I’m going to live, the disappointment of a dream and harsh reality of life, I’m well. There is such a difference between happy and well, and I’m coming to believe that happiness is so fleeting, it’s not something that lasts, it just comes in short bursts, usually when you are least expecting it.
So, I’m going to drink my new indulgence, coconut water (mango flavor is the best!), listen to Muse and enjoy these rare, quiet moments, and know in my heart that every stage, even the good ones you never want to end- will eventually- and so this too shall pass.