how come every time you are waiting for something to happen, it takes forever for the day to arrive and when you are dreading something with every breath in your body the day is here before you know it? such is life. a series of things you are either dreading or awaiting with baited breath.
what about the middle? my life, my journey, my soap opera life leading up to my re-surgery has been a series of beautiful events. God works in so many ways, sometimes even the things you dread are a blessing from him. if it wasn’t for him, none of this would have happened. I can acknowledge that. But I’m still not happy with the outcome. well, the outcome in the sense that I’m sitting here with a stomach in knots while knowing it’s what is best for me. I’m logically telling myself how not bad this will be, how the pain will be so much less than my other surgery, but the memories keep coming and flooding back. Things I’d forgotten, then the things I’d pushed so far away that I pretended I’d forgot. While saying the words, distancing myself emotionally so I won’t feel that way again. It won’t be so bad. …but …. what if it is? what if I wake up, thrashing around in pain, hitting people, trying to pull out iv’s and wires… my tube down my throat… what if the pain is so great that I want to die again? being trapped inside myself?
It is good that I’m getting this. My jaw has been getting worse. The surgery I should be dreading is the one in the spring, part 2. this’ll be a breeze, or so I tell myself.
So I am thankful. God has exceeded my expectations in all of this. I set this date while never believing the day would actually come. Really. I had no faith, but through his crazy way of doing this in his time frame, God pulled everything together. I’m an ungrateful brat. unworthy of his kindness. I’m dreading his miracle. and it’s not just the whole not eating thing. it’s just the visual I get of them with a screw-driver chipping bone and blood a-flyin’ as they screw in a screw a foot long into my jaw bone. ahhhhhhh…. my stomach lurches. lurching perhaps from my greasy dinner at Golden Corral? yes, I went to there. yumminess, I must have been a man in my former life b/c all you can eat buffets are just plain glorious to me.
so, please pray for me. Pray for me to not be fearful. Pray that the pain is less than I’m thinking. Pray that I can learn to trust God in a new and more deep way. Thanks.