(This was written late last night- I have a rule, I never publish late, late at night until I’ve looked it over the next day, JUST IN CASE. HAH!)
Some times my heart pounds in the moment, of feeling alive inside, like a veil is lifted and I can see MORE than just this life. I used to think that stars were just the pinholes in a giant velvety blackness, keeping the beauty of heaven hidden. I love pretty things and cool, barely into fall nights. Sometimes, though, my heart pounds because I’ve had too much caffeine… 
Change is always hard for me. Sometime my heart pounds when I’m stressed. Or mad.
It’s my birthday. I’m drowning in self-pity, thinking thoughts that just make me wallow some more. I was hoping Ben was throwing me a surprise birthday party since I griped all year about how lame last years was… It was my 30th and I had to ask friends to go have dessert and drinks with me last minute because he didn’t plan some elaborate, big ordeal for me.Yes- I’m a BRAT. Hence the name of this post. I know it was wrong of me to put expectations on Ben for something that he isn’t good at. Was there a part of me that just WANTED to pout? maybe…
In case you haven’t picked up on it, birthdays are a big deal for me. HUGE. and guess what? Ben could care less about birthdays. His included. He didn’t grow up in a family that really got excited or celebrated them- I was treated like a princess growing up on MY day. I looked forward to it every year and now that I’m (suppose to be anyway) an adult things are different. More fulfilling but yet I’m sad. To be fair- in the past, before we had kids, he has done better, the last 3-4 years have just steadily gone down hill however.
and I totally feel like a brat. In case you were already thinking that about me I thought I’d go ahead and just tell you myself. I GET it. But- I want flowers! I want cake! I want a card! I want a birthday-freakin’-PRESENT. YES FRIENDS- The Picture above is a picture of a BRAT.
I’ve tried the old stand-by of guilt invoking thoughts. I thought about the orphans, I thoughts about world hunger and diseases.
and I still wanted everyone around me to make a fuss.
It’s my birthday danggit.
Also, I started working today for the first time in a few years. I’m going to go out on a ledge and say that my birthday attitude has to do with that as well. Like I said above, CHANGE is HARD. Heart pounding new beginnings, fear and anxiety wrapped in a positive attitude of “Yes I CAN,” even when I don’t believe myself. Trusting in God’s plan when all I see is a boulder in my path.
I am excited to work, I love the flexible aspects of the new job and the people themselves have only been amazing and warm. So, what is my problem? Am I so self-centered that I just want everyone to fawn over me and tell me how amazing that I am for going back to work? Yeah, embarrassingly enough, that is what I’ve wanted. Expectations kill. Sometimes you don’t even know you have them until you have that disappointed feeling in your heart.
The day got better. I begged my brother to come over and watch the boys so we could go out to eat. Then a friend called and wanted to buy me a drink so I met up with her after dinner. We sat, I whined and she said the right things.
After that, we walked outside and I immediately noticed a bright, beautiful star in the sky, it stood out among all the others. When I commented on that my friend told me that it actually was a planet. At that point I remembered my idea as a child that the stars were just pinholes, and I was seeing a really large one in the planet. My heart pounded in the memory like I was seeing something that everyone else missed, like God and I were in on a secret. Coldplay played on my mental music track, “Look at the stars, look how they shine for YOU,” my beloved”, and I’m humbled. Life isn’t always going to go my way. It’s not about flowers, chocolates and how others are there to make me feel better. and some how that is refreshing.