I have talked a lot about percentages on my blog. Most of them were from Bear’s lower growth chart and then from Bug’s much higher ones. Bug’s was pretty funny, actually, his ginormous head was statistically over 50% bigger than his body, HAH! Other not-so-funny statistics are my recent obnoxious 5% weight gain… but that really isn’t the point in this particular post…
I am feeling worn thin lately, but instead of it being an exhausting drain I’m beginning to claim it more like a worn wooden chair, softened by time into comfort.
Ben and I have a 15% chance of our marriage making it.
That statistic is because Bear has special needs, similar to if a couple lost a child, and it can be devastating to a marriage. It’s a weird statistic but knowing it is refreshing somehow, like seeing the truth of it all makes me try harder. Our marriage has been hard but the last five years have been refining, a painful burning away of the flaws. There have been however, some very real moments where I said out loud to Ben, “this isn’t working” and believed it.
I feel that we are clawing our way out of a darkness, out of a hole but are finally joined as two adults, trying to make it work.
I think that almost every married couple feels this way at times; that moment when you look at your spouse as an adult with open eyes, seeing them through their flaws and imperfections and you have to make that choice, through better AND worse. Marriage can be worse and sometimes it is it’s easy to just stop trying.
I’m not perfect. I’m an oldest child, “this isn’t FAIR”, day-dreaming, caffeine addict who whines and occasionally thinks the world is out to get her. I’m being painfully real and it’s worth it, to push, strive and cry my way somewhere better. Because there is always hope. Ben and I have been selfish, focusing only on our individual needs but as this is my blog I’ll just share my flaws.
We are committed to making it work, but it’s only with the (somewhat intrusive at times! hah!) help of friends, family and our belief in God. Every day is a challenge and a choice. I don’t have all the answers, but I’ll share what I learn on the way.
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Tomorrow holds Bear’s (delayed) surgery. Please pray for safe travels, safe surgery and meaningful time spent with Ben. Thanks!
From FB: “Summit fell and hurt himself, while trying to comfort him I asked him what he needed. Without missing a beat he sobbed out, “I need a mustache!!!”. I can’t make this stuff up”