Those moments, the memories that come crashing down on our heads, the fire that burns and scorches our flesh… the moments that shape our souls like clay, whirling on the potters wheel. It feels like a knife in the heart at times, stealing breath and causing panic that can be difficult to mask.
There is still the warmth of sunshine on my face, I still hear the buzzing of the bees and smell the heavy scent of summer flowers, but the road ahead is unclear. I hold myself together, arms wrapped tight holding my insides in to keep it all from pouring out.
There are moments, days, that seem like a whisper. A floating breeze caressing my face like a gentle embrace. My God. Thankfulness and fury, despair and rejoicing, it’s a grand symphony.
My skin prickles, my head spins and I wonder where it all went, yet I don’t want it back either. I feel paranoid, but it is as if sometimes that a divine umbrella is over me, sheltering me from the sharp pains of reality. I feel fuzzy, out of touch, but strangely content and happy. I smile at my child with his wide smile with perfectly spaced teeth and take him to the park. I sit near by and watch him chase after other kids younger than him who are more advanced in every way.
Confusion and shame are my constant companions, grace and hope nearly as often. Every day is a decision to choose what I know is truth, not what I feel.