Real Love Series: Alicia’s Story Part 1

If you haven’t read the Introduction to this series, I recommend that you do. We are sharing Real Love stories. Stories that have hurt, pain but maturity and ultimately, JOY. In a culture that is so fast paced, self-focused and all about the falling in love part of our story with no concept of afterwards, we here at the Busy Nothings are striving to sit back and share from our own experiences what we feel true, pure, sacrificial love is. When you choose it even though it hurts or is hard work. The beauty, PASSION and true love that comes from this are better than any fairy tale. ~Heidi

“Unless a seed falls to the ground and dies…”

If I could pick a life verse, it would be this one from John 12:24. It’s the verse that rescues me from my own plans, and the hard road of doing things my own way. It has been the soil in which God has caused beautiful things to come from the death of my flesh, and has given me life, because He loves me.

Since I was twelve, I had a yearning to go to the mission field, for adopting orphans no one wanted, living and dying on the soil of a foreign country, in a two story concrete house filled with dark skinned children carousing around me. I wanted to be the modern day Amy Carmichael. And like her, I knew I was called, so why get held back by marriage?

And yet, if I was honest, there was something hidden in me that yearned to be loved, to be with someone who would think I stood above all others and who would go on the adventure of life with me, to Africa and beyond. I knew this man would have to be totally sold out to the Kingdom of God. And frankly, I didn’t know if that person I wanted existed. I navigated through teens and first two years of college with few mistakes and and yet some big issues. My identity and worth were constantly being attacked by the Enemy and at one point, I literally almost starved myself to death. God knew the plans He had for me and yet Satan also has his plans for me. By the power of God, I slowly recovered and re-surrendered my life to Christ. But my heart was not given over, at least, not in the ways I needed it to be.

I transferred to Northwest Arkansas, and there I met them. Yep, them.

There were two:  one who God Himself had chosen for me, and the other that I chose for myself. The one God had chosen I first met the day I visited campus. He shook my hand, introduced himself as Titus, and immediately the Lord spoke to me in very clear voice, “This is the man I have for you to marry.” I freaked. I didn’t know, at the time, you could hear God like that. I thought I was just being crazy or that it was the devil! And so I put it away in a dark corner, to be forgotten. And then I met the other guy. I understand now that Satan always brings the decoy right before the real one thing comes.

He needed my help. He had a sleeve of tattoos, piercings, bleached-blond hair and a crazy sense of humor. He was outgoing, attractive, angry and hurt.

And I fell in love. I fell too fast and deep. I had a void in me that felt filled when I was saving him, and his pain was alleviated as long as I was in his life. I was totally co-dependent, tied to his soul. We said we would get married. We had no clue what that really implied. And then, right after Christmas break, he was gone. He told me that he didn’t love me anymore. That was it. And then he hung up the phone.

It took God six months to remove the bloody shrapnel from my heart and it took even longer to heal my identity. I feared not ever being good enough, exciting enough or beautiful enough to make any guy want to stick with me.

In that season, God took me by the hand and led me into this emotional wilderness, where He uncovered my most dreaded fears, deepest insecurities and the idols I had looked to in the area of love and relationships. I felt utterly weak and helpless. “Unless a seed falls to the ground and dies…” It felt so horrible and yet so good as He pulled out the life-long lies that had been like slivers working their way into my core. I began experiencing God as My Lover, My Pursuer, the One who ever desires me and chooses me. He saturated my mind and heart with the Psalms, Song of Songs, and the book of Ruth. He emphasized how important it was for me to wait on Him, to open my hands and let go of all my desires for marriage, partnership and love, and to put everything to death except for my relationship with Him. He made it very clear that He, when He was ready, would bring my husband to me. He would bring it to pass, not I. “Unless a seed falls to the ground and dies…”

So I died.

And then, in the midst of all this wilderness, in God’s strange and almost conniving way, He started talking to me about Titus.

“Do you remember what I said? I want you to pray for Titus.”

And so it began.