Beauty & the Heart

“Wife, mom, lover of BEAUTY.” Reads one bio.

“Wife to Ben, mom to 2 young boys, one with #specialneeds. I cook #glutenfree, enjoy creative fashion and chase God’s BEAUTY where ever it takes me.” Reads my Twitter profile.

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Beauty is a way that God relates to me which permeates all areas of my life. It’s not just fashion, it’s not just nature, it’s all the little ways that he reveals himself to me throughout the day that are personal and special and created just for me because he loves me.

When I was an awkward 15-year-old, fresh back from being a missionary kid in Ukraine and thrust into the rich lives of Northwest Arkansas’ elite, I felt insecure and ugly like most girls that age.  I really felt like I was alone in feeling that way and began to let it define what I believed about myself. I was socially awkward, not a cool dresser, full of anxiety and praying for just one friend. 

I remember a well meaning cell group leader commenting one time, “Heidi, you dance to the beat of your own drum.” like it was a compliment that I was so securely weird and even if I was an Indian a 100 years ago, (I have a very vivid imagination and this is where they comment took me,) that I’d be the weird Indian with her own fire doing a strange dance while the other Indians watched in disbelief.

Another well meaning mentor told me I was like an ugly duckling and that someday I would be a beautiful swan. I remember beaming with my braces shining teeth and dreamily wondering, “REALLY?? YESSSSS!” That comment gave me hope!

Between my junior and senior year of high school a lot happened. I had snapped a bit socially, going from an insecure person to one who was able to HIDE the insecurity behind the typical “whatever” face. I also had a very painful and expensive surgery on my jaw, face and chin to fix what nature gave me wrong. I remember as a 5-year-old when my dentist gravely told my parents to start saving up their money because my jaw wasn’t growing right. I remember having constant pain in my jaw joints and not eating a lot of foods because of the intense pain from chewing. My teeth only touched at the back on one side. The popping and clicking drove me crazy and perhaps part of the reason I didn’t talk a whole lot is because it actually hurt too after a while. Now, let me say here that I didn’t look deformed or like Quasimodo– but to anyone trained in teeth, dental, oral-anything, I had a lot of issues.

After my surgery, I looked differently too, my surgeon grinned at my mom and said that I looked more like her now. He said he made me look the way God created me to look if my jaw hadn’t been so messed up. I looked strongly like the rest of my family for the first time in my life. 

Some people are born with a bad knee, I was born with a bad jaw and after 2 weeks of having my jaw wired shut and in almost unbearable pain, I was able to finally open my eyes and look at my new face in the mirror.

I was pretty for the first time in my life and I almost hated it for the attention that it gave me. I was embarrassed. Guys that had never even looked at me before asked me out. There were so many awkward interactions that year and there was a rumor that I had plastic surgery that made me feel so ashamed even though it wasn’t true.  I didn’t want to be shallow- as my whole life before the surgery comfortably focused on my inner beauty.  Uncomfortable with what I possessed now and had jealously coveted before- I repressed my beauty for years.

After/Before. (Getting a straightener was also a huge deal…)

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Today, I’ve finally come to terms with myself and my beauty. It’s been a long road full of mistakes and wrong priorities. I feel the path is narrow and to deviate off to one side or the other is an almost sure thing. I’ve cared too much what others thought of me before so that I either dressed perfectly with trendy outfits that turned heads or wore no make-up and carefully careless outfits to fit in better with whatever crowd I was with. 

I’ve embraced the truth that true beauty is God within me and isn’t something that can be artificial, faked or even done on my own other than my commitment to spending time with him, carefully listening and  humbly giving up MY rights.

This month of April we are sharing fashion stories: beauty secrets and this summers must-haves as given to us from boutiques and fashionistas in this area.  We want to be an encouragement, a resource and basically we want to have a little fun focusing on the outer part of beauty.

Fashion is fun, finding our personal style is as a young adult helps us express ourselves and then re-discovering who we are fashion-wise after having children is important so we can forget what we look like when we leave the house and focus on the here and now of life.

Constantly thinking about how we look is distracting and takes the fun out of whatever we are doing. One of the cool things about this series is the fact that a lot of these places WANT to help women find their look! We will direct you to a few people who absolutely glow as they help a woman find her fashion.

God gave each of us as women the desire for beauty and how we see beauty is as unique and special as each of us are.

Join in the fun and beauty of this spring and share your own fashion stories and tips!