First of all, I totally need to update this more often. I feel like I have nothing to say so I just… say… nothing…
and- for anyone who thinks I’m mature or handling things well, (there may be none of you if you read my insane ranting on here on a regular basis!) I’m not. I’m stressed out a lot, even if I think I’m not stressed, my hunched up shoulders tell me otherwise. I am snappy (horrible) with Ben and Summit and totally an imperfect, messy person. I feel like God is the only reason I’ve not been committed to an insane asylum. Do they still have those? It’d be very restful, but altogether embarrassing so I guess I’m pretty thankful that God has taken it upon himself to save me from THAT.
Every night I lay down on my bed and the guilt of everything I’ve screwed up that day falls down on me like a wet blanket; I wish I was more disciplined, focused and motivated. Last night however, it struck me that no matter what kind of day I had had, that I’m imperfect and it was just Satan attacking me with lies that I wasn’t good enough. No matter what kind of day you have had, you probably have sinned and therefore we are in the same boat regardless. That was an oddly cheerful thought. Sinners are sinners, without exception. Every night we all go to bed with the sins of the day weighing on us, but God also forgives us equally and loves us the same. The hope is that tomorrow that God may help me hold my tongue when I want to scream at Ben, God may give me patience with Summit when he throws a huge fit and that God will give me the grace I never extend to myself.
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We will be buying the house Friday. I’m a mess of nerves. We will be doing updates and repairs for the next week and I can’t decide on anything. The things I make decisions on, Ben questions. I throw up my hands. I obsess and dream in paint swatches and counter tops. I’ve spent our meager budget 100 times in 100 different ways. I feel poor, I feel like a greedy king. I love this house, I also hate it. I’m a glorious mess of conflicting emotions.
For realsies though, I decided to paint the brick and now Ben wants to wait. Not a big deal really, it was just one of the few decisions I had made so I’m laughing. I am going to paint a lot of the light fixtures because they are actually cool looking other than the bright, brassy gold. I think I’m going to post some of the pics on here and beg for ideas or at least affirmation that my choice was right, lol.
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We settled our last major credit card so now all we have left is a few grand on Ben’s student loans!!! That feels GREAT! errrrr… and the debt of this new house…
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Still not update on Offspring #2 who has yet to be named. I’m waiting for something before I can name him. I don’t know what it is, perhaps it’s the sweet relief I will feel when they tell me nothing is on his ultrasound… I don’t know. I hope that they find nothing, I think they are planning on scheduling the level 2 ultrasound next week. I was going to decline it like I declined the genetic testing, but I talked with some people and they said it was a good idea because they can check the heart better with this ultrasound and schedule a heart surgery if necessary when the baby is born. I’m still praying my butt off against this and the possible Down’s Syndrome indicators. I’m not brave, I’m not amazing- I’m scared crap-less and begging God like my life depended on it. I can’t handle this at all, and I think that is right where God wants me for now. I keep begging for him to take me back as I lash out like a hurt, crazed animal at those who love me the most. I’m fine most of the time, but it’s those moments in the quiet where my heart feels like it is going to burst out of my chest in agony and I can’t lift my head. Pain is most humbling.
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To end on a lighter note- my child is a genius. He wears his cotton undies with pride and screams when we put a diaper on him at night. He’ll kick in his crib hours after we’ve put him to bed when he needs to go to the bathroom. He’ll stand up in his bed and sign “potty” and his diaper will be dry. Genius. To be fair, he does have a wet diaper in the morning, but during the day it is very rare I have to change a wet pair of undies. He’s had about 1 accident in the last week… and it was today. DANG VEGGIE TALES! Among all the other struggles we’ve had with him, it is really nice that he seems to love being potty trained and has had success. We have to go get his blood work done AGAIN to test for Celiac’s Disease more intensively. We still don’t know if he has it or not, we think not, but this is something we need to know. Celiac’s Disease is serious, I need to be much more careful about his diet if he has it and not just hope that there isn’t gluten in some food product I’m feeding him. A quick example of changes I’d have to make would be: getting different pots/pans to cook food for Summit in, (cross-contamination in kitchen utensils is bad,) no ketchup, aerosol hairspray and toothpaste among other weird products containing gluten, very little eating out, (it’s hard to find gluten friendly restaurants,) and pretty much me getting a part-time job to pay for all the more expensive foods I’ll have to buy for him.
That wasn’t quite the lighter note I was intending to leave you with… so, yeah, we DON’T think he has this, we are just trying to be sure.
Another light note is that Summit was described to me Sunday as having the most “vibrant soul” of any child they had ever met. I glowed inside.
